I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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