your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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