based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
