I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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