So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
