Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
