whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
