I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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