if i can run in heels then i can drive
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
