On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
