wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
