I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
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