Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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