i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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