You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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