just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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