Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
