So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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