i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
