got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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