I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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