Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
