I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
