i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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