Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
