She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
