im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
