I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
