he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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