i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
not ubering you a puppy
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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