so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
