sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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