I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
