I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
