I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
