i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
