Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
