Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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