I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
COCAINE IS GR8
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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