my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
