Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just high enough for therapy.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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