My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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