so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
