You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
