The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
