do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
