Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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