You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
