So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
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