Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
