so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
