The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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