All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
