please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Everclear isn't food dammit
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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