all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Sext me about skeletons
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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