Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
