so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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